What an eventful trip… I just spent 9 days in HK with my parents, and needed to do a little indy exploring of HK. Then I went to Seoul Korea with them and spent 4 solid days with them. This was a true trial for me. I never experience such difficultly living with any person in my life. I seriously mean what I just said.
Here is how I would describe it. I’ve always thought my parents were supportive of me, and have a similar concept of unconditional love which I have, or we all might have. However, I was completely derailed with a huge argument with my mother. In essences, love is a condition base on the way they understand love to be. Yes, I know, we all have a preconception of how we view love, and hence we have to work hard to accept the way others see love. However, I found there are some fundamental contradiction to how mum views love which makes living my love, or my life as a Christian difficult. First, the condition is base on the fact that they are my parents, ‘honouring’ them means to do as they ‘think’ and ‘say’. Me having a growingly vast different concept of love, have a tough time accepting this. In a real life example, it would be something like this. I see someone in help, so I offer to help, I get this nagging look from my mum or dad that either, ‘what dod you think you can do to help?’, or ‘why are you bothering with stranger’. Usually, this is all good and fine because things I consider to help is cases when someone forgot something and chase after them to tell them, and all people would do this. But things I am noticing these days are old ppl having difficulty climbing the stairs, and I want to offer my assistant, but my parents would just walk on by. Or, there is a kid running around a public palace looking for his mum, I didn’t speak the language, but I felt compel to act, so I paused what I was doing with my family (taking dress up photo with rented traditional costume) to try to talk with the kid. No help. But I felt like I needed to try. Anyway, I feel this tension, ‘why are you helping strangers and not caring about the family. You will happily give money to help children in the third world, but not a penny goes home. Again, I would love to give to home, but it’s not the issue, the issue is that I feel and see the need more in a place outside my four walls. ‘I keep on remembering to pray for “break my heart for what break Yours”. But now I see the consequence, I heard there was persecution, but I never thought it would be from my free thinking family…. It’s really the first time I’ve felt hard to be a Christian… maybe better put, it’s the first time I really feel difficult to be a grown and more mature adult.
So as I mentioned, it’s difficult because it becomes this viscous cycle, the more I help the more my parents think I care about others and less about them. Who knows maybe it’s true. So with my family and extended family, I try to watch and learn how others deal with my mother and father. My aunts are patient, they listen, and act even when they don’t agree, they mention how my mom cares by worrying, nagging, and planning to act in such a manner that she thinks the other person will appreciate this special gesture such as ‘saying she wants a beer, and then getting it and giving it to the person she had intended to like the beer.’ Sound complicated? Well, it is, but really it isn’t once you’ve lived it. It’s even great at first, but terrible when you don’t have any specific physical needs. When you need someone to listen, they try tell you everything she knows in other to try and help. Anyway , another thing that really really frustrates me, and be honest with me, am I just being selfish? Or should I try to stand my ground but express it in a different way. Here’s the situation, we go shopping, because mum and sis want to buy stuff, and want to bring souvenirs back home. I get it, so we go shopping. I’m done with the mall in about 15 minutes and decided to get something to eat and drink and get out of the shops. We finish shopping in an hour or so, my mom, sis, and aunts ended up getting enough stuff to fill a small box (and by small I mean pick-up-able by two hands, and weights considerably). Obviously it’s not too heavy, because I can pick it up, and I can probably walk home with it with some considerable stress, but definitely can be done. I would probably offer to do it for a girl I’m going after. So here’s the thing, my dad thinks I should be forthcoming in offering my service without being asked. And I get what he means. I should as a guy be a gentleman. And you know what, I’d do this for any of my friends or aunts. But it was the attitude that really frustrated me, there was this expectance, that as a son, you do this, no asking, and definitely no thank you. Basically, as a son, you have a responsibility. Yes I agree, but the responsibility requires a FREE WILL to do. I should not be guilt into acting, nor should I be coheased. Just hear me out for a minute here. If we played this out… if and especially in a family, if you are expected to do things without a thank you, or an acknowledgement that someone is sacrificing, or worst yet, that you are expected to fulfil a duty where two members of the family might not see eye to eye. Can you imagine such a relationship without proper communication? It would play-out into this entitlement attitude, mean spirited self-righteous, lack of respect, and selfish environment. There would be know, thanks mom for dinner, or thanks sis for treating. And yes, we don’t say this everyday, we know this because we give a nod, or we acknowledge in our hearts that we are thankful for services of each of the family member. But can you imagine what would happen if we go to a restaurant and the bill comes and the parents get upset because neither the son nor the daughter picks up the tab instinctively?
So things like this have really challenged me these past 15 days or so. Not to mentioned the difficulty of added friction with less patience between each comment between my parents and me. It’s simply things like ‘why did you run off to the washroom without taking your luggage out of the coach?’, or ‘why are you on the computer when you’re waiting for the bus, (subtle meaning of: you should of put things away so that you have hands to help our family)’. Truth is, he’s right, this is something I would do if any of us in fact needed help. We all had a CARRY ON, and my sister had an extra box which sat on her carry on. I am at a lost for words except that this is probably not that important as our patience are all wearing thin. As for my mom, she’s still telling me to go do stuff that I think are poorly planned and interrupted plans that I had intentionally try to put the family first. I adapted and executed her plan, but my face was full of dissatisfaction as I wanted to explain to her why I think it’s a bad idea. But instead I just left and did as she was told. It was difficult (acting against my better judgement and not the plan), but it turned out great. It gave me free time to think and start this long blog entry/email to my parents. Anyway, I know it’s not always going to end with the same result, and it’s going to be a constant batter for me to fight against my developed worldview and decision making versus my parents’ perspective and desires for me and my action. I know in my heart they love me, just in a different way, with a different definition of love. As love represents 3 meaning, and they best express their love with one kind. Anyway. I’m almost home, on the bus on the way to Tai Wai. I better get going, I’m looking forward to some alone time.
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Update, dad just came to talk to me. He said I made mom feel horribly disappointed. The entire trip, she wanted me to be somewhat of the son she had in mind which she can be proud of. But to be absolutely honest, I don't know how to be that person... i just know how to be myself for better or for worst. But my dad was expressing that I need to have a higher standard when treating my mom. He expressed how I was selfish and never treated anyone on the trip, i just went off on my own to buy a coffee or get food. I then explained to him how 3/4 of my money went into treating the group, i bought a cake, paid for the taxi ride, bought coffee for my aunt, and etc. Yet since i kept it private except for my aunt which knew i bought the coffee, nobody else knew i treated, including my parents, therefore they felt i was selfish. And my dad said that the feeling is just as important. So i thought... is it then that i need to boast? or what about the people that look generous but in fact are not in reality? Anyway, more conflict on my part to express 'gua' in such a way that other's know i'm paying for it without being boastful. I'm not sure if i agree with this POV. Can anyone offer a form of suggestion as how to hand such a contradiction? Anyway, i feel terrible.
So there were several more things, such as carrying 'physically heavier items' which I mentioned earlier. But i think the deeper problem is at the foundation. The condition of my mother's heart is shading the way she views the virtue of kindness, generosity, wisdom, honestly. I'm not sure if I'd ever get at the core of it.... but I do know my father can reach her still, and maybe it'll require a partnership for this to work. The problem is that my father and I are far from any form of partnership as he always views father-son should be in some form of hierarchy. So today, we agreed that I need more patience, but to be honest, we ALL need more patience, because I am definitely not the one in my family that looses their cool often, except I'm the only one that will admit it... and my sister..... I try to bring forth that if we all work as a team in the family to support each other instead of tearing each other down at everything we do wrong, we might stop being so defensive and start listening to each other again. But my pops isn't exactly listening....
anyway.... one last item... I feel terrible about it already. My Gu Jai wanted to take me out.... and i said i wanted to look at suits because it's probably the one practical thing i can buy from HK, not to mention my aunt and Nora are excellent in fashion. Anyway, my dad comes out today after talking with her all upset, because she's taking me to 'shop'. He has no faith or trust in me that I'm really practical and really only would buy something i can afford or would see value in it in the future. Because he said, why do you want to look at suit, do you need one? You know Gu Jai is just going to pay for it if you find anything. Tell her you don't want to go see suits, but say it nicely, and not directly. Now i know my Gu Jai understands what meant when i told her I wanted to look at suits, and I know my dad is also right that she is going to insist to pay for it if i find something i like. But chances of that are fairly low, and that i wouldn't get it now anyway because it's not going to be REALLY on sale. But when i called my aunt back, i had to tell her i really didn't want to see a suit anyway, i don't have luggage space.... well, that was definitely a lie, i would like to go with them to do something they are good at, and something i would enjoy. Furthermore, it would help me in plan for the future as to what i might get and what price point i might be getting this fashion from. Anyway. I just feel terrible because I sort of intentionally mislead someone.
